World Tour Quicky

Posted in Ales on February 17, 2012 by wiseweizen

Last night saw us taking another trip to The Winking Lizard. We had 10 people joining us, so it was a fun time. That did lead to some less than eloquent notes by yours truly, so this is going to be a brief post.

Beer number one: Bayerischer Bahnhof, from Gasthaus & Gosebrauerei. The website is in German so good luck with browsing it. This very blonde ale is only 3% ABV and has… wait for it…. o, zero, nil, nada, no IBUs.  The color of hazy straw (not a drinking straw, but straw like hay), it had an aroma that reminded me of sweet and sour sauce.  This tasted like someone combined apple juice and lemonade, then found a way to  put alcohol in that, yet somehow only leaving a trace hint of alcohol taste. The initial flavor is super sweet, but ends with a sour and ever so slightly bitter finish. Meg suggested I use The Richter Scale to rate this, so on a scale of 1 to Ruinous Wasteland, I’m giving Bayerischer Bahnhof a rating of “Did you feel anything rumble? No? Well, ok.” I’m fairly certain you could give this to a 12 year old and they wouldn’t get drunk.*

Up next we have Piraat, brewed by Brouwerij Van Steenberge. Clearly I was on a roll picking ridiculously named beers/breweries. Since the last one was such a lightweight, I decided to kick things up a notch with a beastly 10.5% ABV ale containing about 30 IBUs. Piraat had a tart, melonesque aroma and an orangish gold color. This has a citrus flavor, is quite powerful, and sort of just tastes like I’m inhaling. Which is weird, but it reminded me of the first time I tried Gentleman Jack Whiskey. Granted Piraat isn’t as strong, but there were similar sensations as I was drinking it. Sometimes I can be a bit of a wuss, and I have no problem admitting I was chasing sips of this with french fries. On my Pirate Joke scale from 1 to “What’s a buccaneer?”**** I’m award Piraat with “What’s a pirate’s favorite fast food place?”

Last and, in most of our table’s opinion, least is beer number three: Sweaty Betty from Boulder Beer. The website lists the ale at 5.2% ABV but the menu at the Lizard, along with several websites has it at 5.9%, so I’m going with that. Clearly the brewer can’t be trusted. Oh, there’s 15 IBUs. After that Piraat I was feeling a little tipsy, so here’s the portion of the night when the notes get terrible. Ahem, Sweaty Betty “smells like nothing, looks like pee, and tastes like tingly bananas.” I probably shouldn’t wonder why I don’t get paid for this.  Another gent at the table had this to say about Sweaty Betty “I can taste the yeast just from smelling it.” Apparently Betty should have that looked at. I’m giving this one a “half shoulder shrug” on my scale of 1 to Complete Disdain.

While it was a home run of fun, or at least a triple, I really struck out as far as beers were concerned last night. Ah well, can’t win them all.

I just noticed that someone at my work has an e-mail signature that is a bible verse. Now, while I feel that they have every right to believe anything they want, it does seem rather inappropriate to use a portion of religious text on a work email. If we’re going to start using book quotes, perhaps in my last two weeks with the company I should change my e-signature to include, from Moby Dick “…from Hell’s heart I stab at thee!”

Since I said “quicky” way at the beginning and have yet to really make a sex joke, here are Three Things (most) men don’t want to hear during sex: 1. laughter 2. “let me find the strap-on” 3. “IMPREGNATE ME!!!”

And on that note, I’m going to make like a fetus and head out.



* The writer of this blog would like to take a moment to address underage drinking. I tried it once** and now there’s a tape recording out there of my drunken ramblings (thanks Dave). So, um… don’t drink underage, kids.***

** Once might be a bit of an under exaggeration.

*** Ah, what the hell. Drink up. Just be responsible.

**** The price you pay for corn.


Steve Buscemi

Posted in Ales, IPA on February 10, 2012 by wiseweizen

Last night was a Lizard night, as I wanted to get a few World Tour beers in this week. My longtime friend and occasional PIC (that’s Partner in Crime, for you crackers) Alexis joined me for this round. We’ll go into my drinks in a bit of detail, and she’ll add a sentence of color commentary on each of hers that way no one would be like a child that walks into the middle of a movie. I know you Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.*

First up is Conway’s Irish Ale, from the ever delicious Great Lakes Brewery. Conway’s if one of my favorite GL beers. It was named after the owner’s grandfather, who was a traffic cop for like 25 years. His beat just so happened to be in the same neighborhood of the brewery. This Ale is a robust 6.5% ABV with a tongue tingling 25 IBUs. Conway’s has a sweet apple/lemon aroma, about half the intensity of Jolly Rancher smell (which I find to be overpowering) and is deep red amber in color.  Alexis says: “This is malty, but with a kick. I don’t usually like malty beers, but this one is pretty good.”  As I just mentioned, this is one of my favorites. There’s just enough of a hint of sweetness, and the ale goes down smooth, like the sound of an evening gown sliding to the floor.** The lemon isn’t overpowering, and I could be more than happy drinking these all night. On my Awesome Policeman scale of 1 to Commissioner Gordon, I’m going to award Conway’s Irish Ale a score of… wait for it… Commissioner Gordon!!! If you didn’t click on that last link. Do so now. It is awesome, I promise.

Next up is Founder‘s Double Trouble. I ordered this one because I liked the name, and failed to notice it was an IPA until it was too late. I gulped this down, not because I enjoyed it, but rather I just wanted it over quickly. IPA lovers would probably enjoy this a great deal, as it is a whopping 9.4% ABV with an intense 86 IBUs. My notes always start to get a little sketchy around this point. For instance I have the aroma down as “HOPS!” (yes, all caps), and the color is “pure gold baby!” Now, there was no comma in that, so I’m not quite sure if that was a type or if I wanted to indicate a baby of solid gold, or at least gold coloring. Since I’m a pretty weird dude***, I don’t feel confidant ruling anything out. Interpret as you will. On the taste portion of my index card I wrote: Mango and hops, bitter! Does not pair well with spicy garlic sauce. So, there’s that. I gave Alexis a taste and her reaction was, and I quote “Oh, hey. Fuck, now!”**** On my reverse compliment IPA scale of how this beer made me want to hurt myself, from 1 to Rip Own Throat Out, I award – with esteem – Founder’s Double Trouble a grandiose Sear Off Taste Buds with Hot Poker.

As promised, here are Alexis’ one liners: Southern Tier Unearthly IPA – “This beer is not fucking around.” Left Hand Fade to Black – “Pepper taste to the backend!” Ruthless Rye IPA – “I started talking about blow jobs and Armageddon, it was that good!”

Now – Three Things I Love About Steve Buscemi: 1. His cameos are always entertaining. 2. He’s Mr. Pink. 3. He unabashedly embraces his Busceminess.

I propose we redefine Buscemi as “weird, but fucking rad.”  Examples: “Did you see that movie? It was so Buscemi.” or even “His new sex move was Buscemi. I think we’re going to work on perfecting it next weekend.” I like to think I’m a modest guy, but you know what, I’m going to say it… I’m totally Buscemi.


* Per Alexis: “Aerosmith’s daughter cried, and Ben Affleck was all Afflecky.” This, is why we’re friends. I would be remiss if I didn’t add her “this is why we’re friends” moment right after I said “…just dove in there like I was searching for pearls.” Everyone can feel free to speculate on the topic of discussion.

** It is perfectly natural to be aroused right now.

*** But not so weird that I’d have a creepy desert tea party after escaping from a plane full of convicts.

**** This was most certainly not a proposition. I think the taste of the beer caused an acute momentary case of Turret’s.

Uninspired Title

Posted in Marzen on February 6, 2012 by wiseweizen

Welcome to another installment of “How I Damaged My Liver” (now in syndication). Tonight’s offering: Flying Dog‘s Dogtoberfest. Yes, I know the “fest” season is over, but it was still in my fridge and I’m drinking it before the “nasty” date, and I don’t have to justify myself to you. Even though I just did. Jerks. This premium beverage is amber hued, with a hint of, I’m going to say maroon. It clocks in at 5.6% ABV and 30 IBUs, which is fairly potent for a ‘fest beer. According to the bottle, the recipe for this beer was crafted by a man who “likes to strap on some lederhosen when he’s feeling saucy.” The brewer also suggests you pair your Dogtoberfest with pepper-jack cheese or Asian sauces. The last two sentences will be on the test, I hope you’re taking notes.

I’m going to have to disagree with the label now. It claims a caramel finish, but I’m not tasting that at all. There is a definite caramel aroma, but the flavor just isn’t there. Perhaps I’m missing the caramel taste bud receptor. Maybe that’s why I was never a fan of Milky Ways. I’m more of a nougat guy. Someone, right now, go make a beer infused with nougat. I want a Three Musketeer’s bar that will make me blow 0.02. That should be enough to be tipsy, but not get pulled over. I’m enjoying the initial flavor of this marzen, but the aftertaste is a bit snaggletooth. I want to pair this with some fries or spinach and artichoke dip to overpower the aftertaste. Pro Tip: If you’ve had spinach and artichoke dip and find yourself in need of vomiting – don’t do it in the sink. That shit will clog a drain as fast as a Wookie clogs the shower. For you non geeks, that would be a mighty clog in a brief time. A month later you’ll wonder: what’s that smell? It’ll be the rancid dip remnants still in your drain. Not that I know from experience. I will now distract you with a picture…

I don’t think I’d drink more than one of these in an evening. In fact, I’m considering eating some bread after so I no longer have to deal with the aftertaste. On my awesome dog scale of 1 to Pug, I sadly must award Flying Dog’s Dogtoberfest with a score of Yorkie, because both are things I want to punt. I realize I’ve spent so much time bitching about the aftertaste I neglected to describe the actual flavor. Prepare yourself for eloquence (<–sarcasm): its pretty beery, with like a nutty taste. Maybe hazelnut or chestnut. Also, there’s like a single grain of cinnamon and half a teaspoon of vinegar. Yeah, I think that sums it up.

If they made a movie of my life, here are Three Songs I’d want included: “Self Esteem” by The Offspring, “My Secret Origin by Ookla the Mok, and “Pink” by Aerosmith (for the karaoke scene).

I find myself bereft of a post beer topic to discuss today. If anyone would like to suggest a post beer discussion topic for a future post, please leave your suggest in the comments.* I’m hoping to sneak a trip to the Winking Lizard in sometime this weekend, so everyone should wait with baited breath on another post.


* Not so fast Mr. Gross. We both know you’ll only suggest something you think will elicit a rage post response.

Winter Scorpions

Posted in Ales on January 31, 2012 by wiseweizen

Last night I enjoyed a bottle of Mt. Carmel Brewing Company’s Winter Ale. MCBC is a local brewery, hailing from Cincinnati. To the best of my knowledge, I’ve only been to Cincy once, about six years ago to see The Aquabats play in some dive bar near the university. Most of the time I drive about 30 seconds past Cincinnati to Covington, Kentucky to go to concerts. Anyways, back to the beer. The Winter Ale is a robust 8% ABV with 36.8 IBUs, which is something I probably should have looked at before I started drinking on a Monday night.

Winter Ale is what makes Sleepy Bear sleepy.

This beverage went down damn smooth. While not as powerful or having as much bite as Great Lakes Christmas Ale, MCBC’s Winter Ale could almost be more dangerous, just because of how easy it is to drink. Upon first opening the bottle a pleasant aroma of spiced honey lingered in the air. It smelled divine. If I could get a Winter Ale candle, and somehow devise a way to utilize it at work so as to trick myself into think I’ve been drinking, that would be awesome. Besides, I could use something other than just my Darth Vader bust candy jar at my desk to remind me that there’s joy in the world.* For being such a dark ale, I was surprised at just how smooth it tasted. The bottle claims this is from the “ginger and orange spice bread”. I don’t think I’d eat orange spiced bread, but apparently it is enjoyable in liquid form. I’ve got to say, this is one of the best wintry seasonal beers I’ve had. Strong and spiced without assaulting you with either aspect, I could be happy drinking this one brand of beer all night. On a scale of 1 to Dirigible, I’m going to award Mt Carmel Brewing Company’s Winter Ale a score of Tauntaun!**

Since tauntauns are so awesome, that’s as good a segue as any into the Three Things… I Wish I Could Have as a Pet: a triceratops, a luck dragon, and either a winged lemur or an air bison.

A few posts ago I mentioned that I’d be attending the Columbus Winter Beer Fest. While I did have a good time, ultimately I don’t think I’d go again. You pay $30, get a 5-oz tasting glass, and are set loose for about four hours in a room full of beer vendors. That sounds great in theory, but doesn’t work terribly well in practice. There were two main problems. First, the lines were super long. In the four hours I was there I only tasted 7 beers. Again, that sounds good, until you remember that each one is only 5 ounces, and that equates to just under three full sized beers for the totally not a bargain price of $30. I sort of paid $10 per (full) beer and wasn’t even at a “gentleman’s establishment.” If I pay that much for a drink, it better come in a sweet glass I get to take home, or be offered with a table dance. The second problem, was probably only problematic for me. There were no height appropriate hard horizontal surfaces upon which to take notes. I went with dreams of being able to write about each beer as I was tasking it, to regale you all with an epic post afterwards, but alas. I think I’d rather invite a few select friends to my abode with instructions to bring 3 or 4 unique beers each. We’d just hang out, taste beers, and eat pizza. It’d be cheaper and ultimately more fun. That said, I suppose I am glad for the experience. Now when people mention the Beer Fest, I can act all knowledgeable and superior. I mean, I’ve been there, so clearly my opinion is better than everyone else’s, especially that guy who thinks the new flavor of Bud Light is “off the hook”. Off the hook, huh? Good. Now I have something to impale you on.***

While I’m ranting… at the office the other day I was walking to get a drink of water and happened to notice that someone’s computer’s desktop background was a big picture of a scorpion. I really wish they’d been at their desk so I could have pointed and said “Why?” One of my brain noodles just popped. I just can’t comprehend how someone could have that as a background. Let’s break it down, shall we? You’ve got two types of background. Type one is the “passion” background. For most people this is going to be a picture of a family member, maybe a pet, or reflective of one of their hobbies. The second type of background is “artsy”. Perhaps a nice landscape photo (real or drawn), or an interesting art piece that caught your eye. There was nothing particularly artistic about the scorpion background, and I really can’t see someone being passionate about the creature. Maybe some guy that studies scorpions for a living, but certainly not some random office dude. Now, if it were something like a scorpion with razor pincers and a tail that shot lasers fighting a bear that’d been hit with a shrink ray, but who received gladiatorial armor to compensate, I could see that as a background. That’s bad ass. Hell, I’d want to see that in mural form. But no, this was just a scorpion with some leaves and a rock. What. The. Fuck.

Well kids I’m going to leave it at that. Until next time, watch out for those Care Bare Stares!




*I’d like to assure my readers that I’m not an alcoholic, despite the fact that I write a beer blog and just declared a wish to feel like I was drunk at work. Let’s be honest, who hasn’t wished they could be drinking at work? Probably actual alcoholics that are trying to stay dry. Also, lion tamers.

** Note that this particular tauntaun would come equipped with an air freshener.

*** Of course when I say “I” what I really mean is “my team of people that lift heavy things to compensate for my T-rex arms and lack of upper body strength.” Didn’t know I had a posse, did you?

Being Tipsy and Blogging

Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2012 by wiseweizen

I got teased for misspellings and poor grammar from the last post. I was going to correct these errors when another friend said: “Dude, you were just slurring your speech. It totally fits the theme, you’re fine.” Justification, I have found you! So yeah, sometimes being tipsy and blogging doesn’t mix – unless you are blogging about beer!

However, my tipsy state did not allow me to remember that I was supposed to include the second iteration of the new feature “three things.” To make amends I’m going to give visuals for this one.

Three (nerdy) things that made me sad the first (and possibly subsequent) times I saw them:

For those that need a textual explanation… 1.) In the original Super Mario Brothers, when you defeat Bowser in the first castle, this is the very next thing you see. 2.) An Ewok just discovers his buddy was killed by an AT-AT in Return of the Jedi. 3.) The death of Gwen Stacy, from Amazing Spider-Man #121.

I have justified, and amended. My work here is done. I’ll be drinking at The Tilted Kilt this Saturday to celebrate the 15th Anniversary of Corrie LaPointe’s 21st birthday. That should be a fun time and I hope to have a “normal” post up Sunday or Monday.

A quick thanks to the folks that re-posted my blog. A hearty welcome to any new readers, who should check the archives and stick around for future posts!

I hope everyone has a great weekend, and ends up able to remember most of it!


World Tour, Part Deux

Posted in Ales, Hefeweizen, Lagers on January 25, 2012 by wiseweizen

Remember how I said that World Tour posts were going to be multiple beers and no pondering? Lies! Multiple beers AND pondering below, for your pleasure.* Since I’m a little tipsy, the beer portion is going to be a quickie.

If I had a nickle…

First up is Bell’s Oarsman Ale. The Oarsman comes in at a meager 4% ABV but a whopping 56 IBUs. The color of fuzzy, light pee, this ale has a sweet citrus aroma. It tastes like it smells, and is a nice palate cleanser. Since I had this one at lunch, I’d say it is a great “I have to go back to work but I still want to drink” beer. The ale was a little tart, which surprised me. On a scale of 1 to Slave Galley, I’m going to give Bell’s Oarsman a score of Crew Coxen, based on the plaate cleansing capabilities, which I have apparently just likened to yelling and boat steering.

Number two is New Zeland’s Epic Lager from Epic Brewing Co. At first I thought it was Epic for being $9, then I thought it was Epic for being 22 oz. Correct on both accounts. The lager is 5% ABV and weights in at 25 IBUs. Epic has a clean citrus smell, and is colored golden – like a transparent doubloon. I was surprised at the bitterness, yet it did have a citrus taste with a hint of honey. There is a crest on the label bearing the number 6. I’m not sure why it is there, and have no intention of looking it up at the moment. Anyone feeling the need to solve the mystery, please post your findings in the comment section. This is a tingly, yet refreshing beverage. On a 1 to Lord of the Rings scale (because it was filmed in New Zealand), I’m going to give Epic Lager the high score of “Toss me, but not a word to the elf.” I should point out that midway through this beverage, while I was still sitting alone, the waitress, in ninja fashion, sidled up to the table while i was unaware and also singing “Rescue Me”.  Sometimes you just have to let out your inner Aretha.

Finally I enjoyed the contents of an Brau Weisse, by Ayinger. These are the same folks that make the Celebrator, from the previous post. Another 22oz beer, this was 5.1% ABV and only 13 IBU’s. I seem to be cutting the IBUs in half with each beverage. As this was the third beer, and it, along with the previous one were quite large… don’t expect much of a review. Where before I feel there was a mild amount of eloquence, my notes for the aroma on this beverage simply says: BANANAS, yes, in all caps. It ended up tasting like oranges though. Danielle thought it was reminiscent of “vanilla and mount wash, but creamy.” On a scale of 1 to Tripping On Nothing, I’m going to award this brew a rating of “I Got Lost in the Waitress’ Cleavage because of Her Lacy Undershirt”. Three out of three people at my table agreed, Mandi’s boobs were pretty epic. She got bonus points because when I asked if she had a disdainful relationship with the letter Y’s use as a vowel (because of the spelling of her name), she totally played along.

I did have two guests with me tonight at dinner, Duck and Danielle. Duck enjoyed the contents of a Troegenator Doublebock, highlighting the floral qualities. I remarked that it was as if “a flower got drunk, then threw up on me.” Meanwhile, gluten free Danielle was forced to imbibe a Red Bridge (Bud’s gluten free offering, and sadly the only GF beer at The Lizard). She felt that it merely tasted like a normal Bud that someone had emptied a sugar packet into.


Can you like something incorrectly? Let’s take the film “A Clockwork Orange”. Mrs. A likes the film for the action scenes and the violence. Mr. B enjoys it for the messages delivered in the subtext. They both enjoy the film, and for different reasons, which is fine. When you look at the reasons though, is Mrs. A enjoying the film incorrectly, since she’s completely missing the point of the piece? Or, is it ok that she views it as nothing more than a violent popcorn movie with some weird prison stuff in the middle? Are there even “right” and ‘wrong” reasons to like something? Stupid thoughts like these keep me up at night. Seriously.

In things that actually matter news, as of March 9th, I will become unemployed. Don’t fret; I think this is a blessing in disguise. If you know me, chances are you know I don’t enjoy my job. You may also know that I’m lazy, sometimes requiring a metaphysical kick in the butt to do things. I’m looking at the job loss as a giant kick in the butt to punt me toward the next step of my life.** What is that step going to be? Well… I haven’t quite figured that out yet. There’s a lot I’m considering – 1.) any corporate job, 2.) a corporate job at a company who I could be excited to work for,*** 3.) figure out what I could be passionate doing, 3a.) go back to school? 3b.) move? 4.) figure out how to become one of the following: voice actor, karaoke DJ, paid blogger.**** So, what happens next in the super short term? The first week of March will herald the first wave of resumes being sent out. The job ends March 9th, and severance begins. Later in March, my dad and I are going to take a trip together. Upon returning from said trip, wave two of resumes will be sent out. Depending on my mood/finances/the cost, I will probably end up going on a solo vacation in early April. I’m thinking Europe, because why the hell not? Shortly after returning from the motherland, another wave of resumes will go out. All the while I will be pondering, considering, and contemplating numbers 1 through 4 above. Where will I end up? I have no idea. Does this trouble me? Not at the moment. Will all this somehow involve breasts (the lady kind)? I certainly hope so. We’re about to have an aside!

Aside: I’m incapable of being serious for too long without throwing a joke in there. It is a defense mechanism or something. Seriously, can’t do it. Getting yelled at by parents: giggle. Serious talk with girlfriend: joke. At a funeral: comes up with at least 3 ways to re-kill deceased loved one on the chance they reanimate as some form of undead. You know what? That paragraph above encompasses from now until about mid to late April. Upon consideration, while the boob comment was funny (at least I thought so), if there actually aren’t any in the next 4 months, I would be a sad panda. Incidentally, my birthday is in early May. Nothing says “I know looking for jobs and trying to find your passion in life is tough. Also, happy birthday.” like getting flashed. That’s truth. Ask anyone. Probably just ask men. Or lesbians.

Ok, it turns out I don’t have anything more to say at the moment regarding my current state in life, so I don’t feel like my aside can really be called an aside since I’m done talking about the asided subject.  Should it have been a mid script post script? Quick, I need an English major!***** Yes, I could probably use Google to divine an answer, but I did self describe as lazy within this same post. Anyone who thinks I’m now going to Google it should sit down and really think about their reading and cognitive skills, because apparently all the context clues and inference in the world isn’t going to help you. Could I have used the time I’m taking to write these sentences to find the answer I want? Probably. However, the English majors would be useless again. I just want people to feel special.

An now, an open letter:

Dear People Who Read My Blog,

I like to think that upon finishing an entry, you leave my humble corner of the web informed and/or bemused. While there aren’t many, I read (and often respond to) each and every comment left here. Now, I don’t think I ask for much, but I’m going to make a request now. Hit the subscribe button. Re tweet, re facebook, re post the link. Within the next couple of weeks I intend to approach The Winking Lizard (whose World Tour of Beers I’m participating in) to somehow sponsor my blog. If I had to venture a guess, if they were even remotely interested in such a prospect, they’d want to sponsor a blog with at least a few more readers than I have now. I know that a lot of you that read are mutual friends and we among ourselves have the same mutual friends, but still, I’d appreciate a shout out every once in a while. If you find a post particularly funny, touching, insightful, or even idiotic, earn some awesome points and throw a repost my way. Or rather, your other friends’ ways. Props to Teague and Janet, who have actually done this in the past.



Until next time, drink and be merry. Cheers!

Please note that this post was not spell checked, because tipsy. Also, suck it grammar Nazis.


* Though this post is not ribbed. Sorry ladies. Oh, vulgar!

** I need to give thanks to Justin K here. I’d been inflicting mental torture on myself trying to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. He dispensed some sage-like wisdom upon me: I don’t need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, just the very next part of it. My mind was blown.

*** Examples include Marvel Comics, DC Comics, Wizards of the Coast, etc.

**** Presuming these things would provide a livable wage.

***** That is the first time an English major has ever heard/read that phrase. You are welcome. Those of us with useless degrees need to stick together.

Preparing My Liver

Posted in Lagers on January 12, 2012 by wiseweizen

This should be one heck of a booze imbibing weekend. So, in an effort to jump start my liver I bring to you today’s beer: Celebrator Doppelbock, by Ayinger Brewery.

Why yes, that is the official glass I’m drinking out of. Thank you for noticing. Did you see the plastic goat around the bottle? Yeah, he is pretty pimp. This lager is a robust 6.7% ABV with 24 IBUs though it goes down nice and smooth. Normally I’d tell you all about it but I’m going to give that honor to the motha fuckin POPE OF BEERS Conrad Seidl who says of Celebrator Dobbelbock: “Almost black with a very slight red tone, a sensational, festive foam and truly extraordinary fragrance that at first summons up visions of greaves lard. The first taste is of mild fullness with an accompanying coffee tone, which becomes more dominant with the aftertaste. There is very little of the sweetness that is frequently to be tasted with doppelbock beer.” A truly insightful gent. I mean, I was totally thinking “Yeah, I’m getting a real greaves lard vibe here.” On a scale from 1 to Disney’s Matterhorn Coaster I’m going to give this a rating of Matterhorn Screamer, which is a pretty high rating indeed! I like this because it is a pretty strong beer, with a robust taste that goes down easy. Plus, every bottle has a plastic souvenir goat.

I mentioned that I was prepping my liver. Tomorrow is karaoke night at Otani’s. If you are participating in karaoke and not drinking, you’re doing something wrong (Dan…). Upon request I’ve learned Madonna’s Like a Virgin, which I’ll be singing falsetto. Epicness will ensue. Saturday is the Columbus Winter Beer Fest. That might earn a blog post depending on just how many beers I sample.

You know how way back I said that sometimes posts might not always be amusing?

Dear Mom,

Remember when I was 13? I’m going to go ahead and offer a blanket apology for that year and, let’s go ahead and say the following four. I probably could have given you much less of a hard time, but I gotta say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree there, for at least three generations, huh? I just never understood, and still really don’t, the lack of trust during that period. “Staying out late to finish this game of Risk” wasn’t code for drinking, sex, and/or smoking pot.* Wanting to come home an hour later so I could “play a few more rounds of GoldenEye”** wasn’t a coy way of saying we were out blowing up mailboxes like dad did at my age.*** Regardless, I could have been a little easier on you and not made everything a battle. I will say, it did mean a lot when, years later, you apologized for occasionally being overly restrictive, and, in so many words said you were glad that I turned out to be a nerd. On that point, I think it took you and dad a long time to ”get me”, but when you eventually did – while you never explicitly said anything, you made gestures to show that you thought I was pretty ok. A lot of things I didn’t really pick up on at the time, one of your bears dressed up like Spider-Man for example, but upon reflection I can see what you did in an effort to let me know everything was ok, even if you didn’t come out and say it. I never got the chance to tell you how much I appreciated that.

There’s something I need to get off my chest though. I’m so mad at you, to the point that “so mad” is the best my considerable vocabulary can come up with. You never went for age appropriate medical screenings. You had chronic abdominal pain for years (that I never knew about) and never went to the doctor. By the time you were diagnosed the doctors told us the cancer had been growing for 5 – 7 years! Had you gone in for a simple check up at age 55 there would have been a very high probability that you’d still be here. Maybe it is selfish of me to feel this way, but it just steams me that this could have been prevented, or at worst delayed. Should I ever get married there’s not going to be a mother son dance. If I ever have kids they’ll be short a totally awesome grandma. All because, for whatever fucking stupid bullshit reason, you didn’t get your ass to the doctor’s office.

I’m going to take a moment for an aside. Sometimes I write the non-beer portion of the post at work. I’m doing so now, and thinking it wasn’t the greatest idea to tackle this subject not in the privacy and comfort of my abode. Despite the emotionless husk façade I like to present, I’m finding myself struggling to hold back some tears here. I need a drink.

Ahem. Ok, where was I? Oh…remember that big fake plastic frog that was on the front porch and would “ribbit” anytime something moved in front of the sensor? That time we came home from a family vacation to find him in the driveway, with stones from the flower bed spelling “Welcome Home!” as if spoken by the frog… and you flipped the fuck out…hilarious! I’d like to think looking back you’d find that as funny as it really was. Hey, it could have been worse. One year when Travis came home from vacation there were fireworks involved, on his bedroom window sill, at 1am. Hrm. So there were some shenanigans. To be fair, they were all amid our own group, so that makes it ok. Not that you were above a good prank, as shown by your and pap’s TPing of my car while I was at the prom. Dave and I thought Todd was responsible and exacted vengeance not only with TP, but also by buttering**** his windows and the underside of all the door handles of his car.

The only positive thing I can think of that came out of the whole cancer thing is that we became pretty close. Calling for half hour chats every other day will do that. I don’t regret the fact that it took so long for us to be that close, I’m just thankful it happened at all. Once I started asking for it (and actually listening, even if I didn’t act on it) you gave some pretty good advice. The thing is, your advice never ended up being quite what I expected it to be. I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week with everything that’s going on, and I’ve got no idea what you’d say. Try for a promotion? Take the severance? Drop trow and tell everyone at work to “suck it”?***** Sure, I’ve got dad, and some friend advisors, and ultimately, as I’ve done since forever, I’ll make up my own mind about what to do… but there’s no substitute for some quality mom advice

Despite having a little bit of an anger issue, really what I wanted to say was that I miss you. I can’t believe you’ve already been gone a little over a year. If there is a Heaven, I hope you and Pap are up there raising a little Hell. Keep those lay about angels on their toes. I love you mom, and I miss you.

Green Day’s “Time of Your Life” just came on my shuffled playlist. Deep breath. Ok. Just so this post doesn’t end on a downer, I’m going to debut a new feature, “Three things…”, in which I finish that sentence then provide a three item list.

Three songs that I would like to hear playing in the background when I meet a girl. (You know, like a ‘movie moment’. Think Wayne’s World.) 1. Heat of the Moment by Asia. 2. Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake. 3. Somebody to Love by Queen

Ok everyone, that’s all for now. Go call your mom. Until next time,




*I saved all that for college.

** Proximity Mines / Facility or Moonraker Lasers / Temple FTW!

*** Seriously, don’t let him fool you, he was mischievous – makes for some pretty hilarious stories now though. I suppose the apple doesn’t fall far from there tree there either.

**** Fact: you cannot get back at someone utilizing margarine.

***** This wouldn’t have necessarily been out of the question. Back in the early days of high school some chick was acting all superior and bitchy and sort of making like a bit of a pain in the ass. Mom’s advice: “the next time she says something like that say – ‘Would you like a medal, or are you just pissed you don’t have a chest to pin it on?’” Seriously.