Archive for February, 2012

World Tour Quicky

Posted in Ales on February 17, 2012 by wiseweizen

Last night saw us taking another trip to The Winking Lizard. We had 10 people joining us, so it was a fun time. That did lead to some less than eloquent notes by yours truly, so this is going to be a brief post.

Beer number one: Bayerischer Bahnhof, from Gasthaus & Gosebrauerei. The website is in German so good luck with browsing it. This very blonde ale is only 3% ABV and has… wait for it…. o, zero, nil, nada, no IBUs.  The color of hazy straw (not a drinking straw, but straw like hay), it had an aroma that reminded me of sweet and sour sauce.  This tasted like someone combined apple juice and lemonade, then found a way to  put alcohol in that, yet somehow only leaving a trace hint of alcohol taste. The initial flavor is super sweet, but ends with a sour and ever so slightly bitter finish. Meg suggested I use The Richter Scale to rate this, so on a scale of 1 to Ruinous Wasteland, I’m giving Bayerischer Bahnhof a rating of “Did you feel anything rumble? No? Well, ok.” I’m fairly certain you could give this to a 12 year old and they wouldn’t get drunk.*

Up next we have Piraat, brewed by Brouwerij Van Steenberge. Clearly I was on a roll picking ridiculously named beers/breweries. Since the last one was such a lightweight, I decided to kick things up a notch with a beastly 10.5% ABV ale containing about 30 IBUs. Piraat had a tart, melonesque aroma and an orangish gold color. This has a citrus flavor, is quite powerful, and sort of just tastes like I’m inhaling. Which is weird, but it reminded me of the first time I tried Gentleman Jack Whiskey. Granted Piraat isn’t as strong, but there were similar sensations as I was drinking it. Sometimes I can be a bit of a wuss, and I have no problem admitting I was chasing sips of this with french fries. On my Pirate Joke scale from 1 to “What’s a buccaneer?”**** I’m award Piraat with “What’s a pirate’s favorite fast food place?”

Last and, in most of our table’s opinion, least is beer number three: Sweaty Betty from Boulder Beer. The website lists the ale at 5.2% ABV but the menu at the Lizard, along with several websites has it at 5.9%, so I’m going with that. Clearly the brewer can’t be trusted. Oh, there’s 15 IBUs. After that Piraat I was feeling a little tipsy, so here’s the portion of the night when the notes get terrible. Ahem, Sweaty Betty “smells like nothing, looks like pee, and tastes like tingly bananas.” I probably shouldn’t wonder why I don’t get paid for this.  Another gent at the table had this to say about Sweaty Betty “I can taste the yeast just from smelling it.” Apparently Betty should have that looked at. I’m giving this one a “half shoulder shrug” on my scale of 1 to Complete Disdain.

While it was a home run of fun, or at least a triple, I really struck out as far as beers were concerned last night. Ah well, can’t win them all.

I just noticed that someone at my work has an e-mail signature that is a bible verse. Now, while I feel that they have every right to believe anything they want, it does seem rather inappropriate to use a portion of religious text on a work email. If we’re going to start using book quotes, perhaps in my last two weeks with the company I should change my e-signature to include, from Moby Dick “…from Hell’s heart I stab at thee!”

Since I said “quicky” way at the beginning and have yet to really make a sex joke, here are Three Things (most) men don’t want to hear during sex: 1. laughter 2. “let me find the strap-on” 3. “IMPREGNATE ME!!!”

And on that note, I’m going to make like a fetus and head out.



* The writer of this blog would like to take a moment to address underage drinking. I tried it once** and now there’s a tape recording out there of my drunken ramblings (thanks Dave). So, um… don’t drink underage, kids.***

** Once might be a bit of an under exaggeration.

*** Ah, what the hell. Drink up. Just be responsible.

**** The price you pay for corn.


Steve Buscemi

Posted in Ales, IPA on February 10, 2012 by wiseweizen

Last night was a Lizard night, as I wanted to get a few World Tour beers in this week. My longtime friend and occasional PIC (that’s Partner in Crime, for you crackers) Alexis joined me for this round. We’ll go into my drinks in a bit of detail, and she’ll add a sentence of color commentary on each of hers that way no one would be like a child that walks into the middle of a movie. I know you Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.*

First up is Conway’s Irish Ale, from the ever delicious Great Lakes Brewery. Conway’s if one of my favorite GL beers. It was named after the owner’s grandfather, who was a traffic cop for like 25 years. His beat just so happened to be in the same neighborhood of the brewery. This Ale is a robust 6.5% ABV with a tongue tingling 25 IBUs. Conway’s has a sweet apple/lemon aroma, about half the intensity of Jolly Rancher smell (which I find to be overpowering) and is deep red amber in color.  Alexis says: “This is malty, but with a kick. I don’t usually like malty beers, but this one is pretty good.”  As I just mentioned, this is one of my favorites. There’s just enough of a hint of sweetness, and the ale goes down smooth, like the sound of an evening gown sliding to the floor.** The lemon isn’t overpowering, and I could be more than happy drinking these all night. On my Awesome Policeman scale of 1 to Commissioner Gordon, I’m going to award Conway’s Irish Ale a score of… wait for it… Commissioner Gordon!!! If you didn’t click on that last link. Do so now. It is awesome, I promise.

Next up is Founder‘s Double Trouble. I ordered this one because I liked the name, and failed to notice it was an IPA until it was too late. I gulped this down, not because I enjoyed it, but rather I just wanted it over quickly. IPA lovers would probably enjoy this a great deal, as it is a whopping 9.4% ABV with an intense 86 IBUs. My notes always start to get a little sketchy around this point. For instance I have the aroma down as “HOPS!” (yes, all caps), and the color is “pure gold baby!” Now, there was no comma in that, so I’m not quite sure if that was a type or if I wanted to indicate a baby of solid gold, or at least gold coloring. Since I’m a pretty weird dude***, I don’t feel confidant ruling anything out. Interpret as you will. On the taste portion of my index card I wrote: Mango and hops, bitter! Does not pair well with spicy garlic sauce. So, there’s that. I gave Alexis a taste and her reaction was, and I quote “Oh, hey. Fuck, now!”**** On my reverse compliment IPA scale of how this beer made me want to hurt myself, from 1 to Rip Own Throat Out, I award – with esteem – Founder’s Double Trouble a grandiose Sear Off Taste Buds with Hot Poker.

As promised, here are Alexis’ one liners: Southern Tier Unearthly IPA – “This beer is not fucking around.” Left Hand Fade to Black – “Pepper taste to the backend!” Ruthless Rye IPA – “I started talking about blow jobs and Armageddon, it was that good!”

Now – Three Things I Love About Steve Buscemi: 1. His cameos are always entertaining. 2. He’s Mr. Pink. 3. He unabashedly embraces his Busceminess.

I propose we redefine Buscemi as “weird, but fucking rad.”  Examples: “Did you see that movie? It was so Buscemi.” or even “His new sex move was Buscemi. I think we’re going to work on perfecting it next weekend.” I like to think I’m a modest guy, but you know what, I’m going to say it… I’m totally Buscemi.


* Per Alexis: “Aerosmith’s daughter cried, and Ben Affleck was all Afflecky.” This, is why we’re friends. I would be remiss if I didn’t add her “this is why we’re friends” moment right after I said “…just dove in there like I was searching for pearls.” Everyone can feel free to speculate on the topic of discussion.

** It is perfectly natural to be aroused right now.

*** But not so weird that I’d have a creepy desert tea party after escaping from a plane full of convicts.

**** This was most certainly not a proposition. I think the taste of the beer caused an acute momentary case of Turret’s.

Uninspired Title

Posted in Marzen on February 6, 2012 by wiseweizen

Welcome to another installment of “How I Damaged My Liver” (now in syndication). Tonight’s offering: Flying Dog‘s Dogtoberfest. Yes, I know the “fest” season is over, but it was still in my fridge and I’m drinking it before the “nasty” date, and I don’t have to justify myself to you. Even though I just did. Jerks. This premium beverage is amber hued, with a hint of, I’m going to say maroon. It clocks in at 5.6% ABV and 30 IBUs, which is fairly potent for a ‘fest beer. According to the bottle, the recipe for this beer was crafted by a man who “likes to strap on some lederhosen when he’s feeling saucy.” The brewer also suggests you pair your Dogtoberfest with pepper-jack cheese or Asian sauces. The last two sentences will be on the test, I hope you’re taking notes.

I’m going to have to disagree with the label now. It claims a caramel finish, but I’m not tasting that at all. There is a definite caramel aroma, but the flavor just isn’t there. Perhaps I’m missing the caramel taste bud receptor. Maybe that’s why I was never a fan of Milky Ways. I’m more of a nougat guy. Someone, right now, go make a beer infused with nougat. I want a Three Musketeer’s bar that will make me blow 0.02. That should be enough to be tipsy, but not get pulled over. I’m enjoying the initial flavor of this marzen, but the aftertaste is a bit snaggletooth. I want to pair this with some fries or spinach and artichoke dip to overpower the aftertaste. Pro Tip: If you’ve had spinach and artichoke dip and find yourself in need of vomiting – don’t do it in the sink. That shit will clog a drain as fast as a Wookie clogs the shower. For you non geeks, that would be a mighty clog in a brief time. A month later you’ll wonder: what’s that smell? It’ll be the rancid dip remnants still in your drain. Not that I know from experience. I will now distract you with a picture…

I don’t think I’d drink more than one of these in an evening. In fact, I’m considering eating some bread after so I no longer have to deal with the aftertaste. On my awesome dog scale of 1 to Pug, I sadly must award Flying Dog’s Dogtoberfest with a score of Yorkie, because both are things I want to punt. I realize I’ve spent so much time bitching about the aftertaste I neglected to describe the actual flavor. Prepare yourself for eloquence (<–sarcasm): its pretty beery, with like a nutty taste. Maybe hazelnut or chestnut. Also, there’s like a single grain of cinnamon and half a teaspoon of vinegar. Yeah, I think that sums it up.

If they made a movie of my life, here are Three Songs I’d want included: “Self Esteem” by The Offspring, “My Secret Origin by Ookla the Mok, and “Pink” by Aerosmith (for the karaoke scene).

I find myself bereft of a post beer topic to discuss today. If anyone would like to suggest a post beer discussion topic for a future post, please leave your suggest in the comments.* I’m hoping to sneak a trip to the Winking Lizard in sometime this weekend, so everyone should wait with baited breath on another post.


* Not so fast Mr. Gross. We both know you’ll only suggest something you think will elicit a rage post response.