Archive for October, 2011

I’ll Put a Spell on You

Posted in Ales on October 24, 2011 by wiseweizen

In case you missed it, the title was a reference to Bette Midler’s best work: Hocus Pocus. OK, so that movie sort of sucked. But I didn’t say it was a favorite of mine, I merely opined I felt it was Bette’s best. Beaches? Pah!

Scary movies never really scared me, until I tried to go to sleep. Sure, it is a laugh riot to watch a dude in a hockey mask slice his way through a cadre of imbecilic teens, but for all you know there could be a machete wielding psychopath outside your bedroom. So, yeah – I do have a sword within arm’s reach of my bed.* The only one of the “serial” movie bad guys I really liked was Freddy Kruger. Not because the Nightmare movies were necessarily good, but because he killed the kids in fun and imaginative ways

Clearly, The Monster Squad  was the best Halloween movie of the late 80s early 90s. It is on Netflix. When you finish reading this post, go watch the movie. Seriously. My second favorite: Ernest Scared Stupid. Not only did this film have all the Ernest spectacularness we’ve come to know and love, it also had Eartha Kitt!** In the movie we learn that Trolls are bad, milk is good, and that it is important to overcome your fears. We also learn that Ernest ends up kissing women that are way out of his league. While fun, I will say that this movie is nowhere near as good as the masterpiece known as Ernest Goes to Camp.  How can you lose when you launch attack turtles from catapults? You can’t.

While not technically a movie, special mention should go to Thriller, for being awesome. For some reason Thriller played during Scott and Louise’s wedding reception. I led the wedding party in the dance, and we got it mostly right. That was probably the second most epic night of my life, to date. Not only was I thrilling (see what I did there?), but I also put out a fire, and recovered the best man’s mom’s lost 30th anniversary diamond tennis bracelet. Plus: open bar. It was a good night.

The mention of an open bar seems like a great segue into talking about beer, which I suppose is what I’m here to do. Tonight I’m drinking Hex, Ourtoberfest by the Magic Hat Brewing Company. This ale is 5.4% ABV and has a bitterness value of 25. When I popped the cap, little whispies of smoke curled out of the bottle, and the aroma of apple cider and spices filled the air. (It isn’t a cider, but that’s the imagery the smell evoked in my brain, which we’ve long ago established thinks weird thoughts). It has a crisp and sweet start with a bitter finish that goes down easy.*** As you can see, the ale is amber with a slight reddish hue…

This is a pretty darn good beer, one I’d be happy sticking with all night. In fact, on a scale from 1 to Mordenkainen’s Disjunction, I’d say the spell this ale has cast would be… Chain Lightning.

I’m finding myself at a bit of a lack for words at the moment, though admittedly I’m finding the siren’s call of Batman: Arkham City irresistable. So I’ll leave it here for now.

Until next time, remember: Wolfman does indeed have nards.




*It is the best home defense option for me. In my opinion, intruders are going to expect a gun, bat, or something along those lines and will be psychologically prepared for them. What they aren’t prepared for: a mostly naked, pale, ginger running at them with a sword, yelling gibberish with rage foam spurting out his mouth. The home invader will be caught off guard and I will stick them with the pointy end. Triumphant battle music will play, I’ll spin around, strike a pose, and gain some experience points.

**She was the second Catwoman in the live action Batman TV series from the 60s, and the first black Catwoman.

***Like a dress on prom night.


Moo Juice

Posted in Uncategorized on October 12, 2011 by wiseweizen

Salutations readers! It has been a while since my last post, which saddens my heart. I have been quite the busy bee lately, and was out of town, so you know… no time for blogging. But, I’m back! That’s the good news. The bad news is, this post will feature not a single ounce of beer. Why? Steroids and antibiotics! So instead, I bring to you, straight from the pasteurization process, tonight’s drink….

1% Milk.* Blam!

Don’t think I’m serious? Oh, we’re fucking doing this. This looks, smells, and tastes like milk. I used to be a 2% man, but in my old age I feel like 1% really goes down a little smoother, and let’s face it, do I really need that extra 1% of whatever the % is comprised of? Probably not. On the other end of the spectrum, I abhor Skim Milk. That shit is just white water. For real, I mean, what the hell is the point. It is as if they took a jug of water, sat it next to a cow, and let a bit of cow essence in through osmosis. No thanks.

I find that most adults I know don’t seem to enjoy drinking milk any more, and I don’t really understand why.** I still dig it. Milk, juice, tea, and beer. Those are my beverages. Personally, I don’t like water (though I will drink it on occasion, when I’m feeling cheap when going out to eat). Quite note, I’m not sure if you can make it out in the picture… I’m actually drinking out of a Left Hand Milk Stout glass featuring a cowboy lizard riding a cow. That about all the alcohol I can tie into this post. Back to milk, the worst only bad part is the post milk aftertaste / mucusy sensation. I’m pretty good on the mucus front, I don’t really need another layer courtesy of some Moo Juice. But hey, you take the good, you take the bad, blah blah, Facts of Life.***

On a scale from 1 to 50’s TV Wholesome, I’m going to give my 1% Milk a score of Homemade Patchwork Quilt.Fun fact about my history with milk: Everyone like to dunk their Oreos, Nutter Butters, whatever, right? As a child I would sometimes remove the delicious center of multiple cookies, and roll the resulting material into a ball. That would then be tossed into the milk. I’d go about my business, finishing the cookie enjoyment process, but I’d leave enough milk in the glass to cover the cream filling or peanut butter-esque filling. You toss that shit in the fridge for like an hour or two (length of time was a bell curve based on bed time vs snack time). Then you drink the rest and the resulting mess of filling before hopping off to bed. In retrospect, it was pretty gross. At the time it seemed super awesome. This is not necessarily an endorsement, as I now find the though of doing that mildly repellant.

While we’re being quaint, responsible, and all that garbage, here is my absolute favorite anti-drug PSA. To the best of my knowledge, my dad has never smoked pot. Honestly, this is a damn shame. He’d probably be damned hilarious high. Dad, if you’re reading this: smoke some pot, but be sure I’m there to watch and/or record it for the sake of posterity. Speaking of recording things for posterity, the first time I got wasted my oldest friend Dave was there with a tape recorder. He caught me slurring out such gems as “No, look, I’m sitting on the floor… because I think it is the only thing I can’t fall off of.” and after pocketing a quarter “Guys! Guys! There is totally a president in my pants. Right now!” I’m sure there’s more that I’ve forgotten. I’m also sure that tape still exists somewhere. That’s the only reason I can’t run for political office.

I like to think of myself as a rather honest fellow. The last four of five days haven’t been the best. When people at work today asked how I was doing, I responded in the negative (eg: “crappy, actually”, “I’ve been better”, “puffy, achy, and a little sad”, etc) or at best neutral (eg: “I’m alive”). I discovered that people don’t really know what to do when you respond this way. Most of them didn’t really care how you were doing in the first place and just expected a mildly positive or better answer. Faced with a negative do they offer a platitude? Inquire further as to your distress? Slowly back away? I suppose you could tangentially relate this to my rant about the word fine from a few posts back. My two points of advice to the human population: 1. Don’t ask questions you don’t really want to know the answer to.**** 2. When someone does ask you a question, don’t be timid, be honest.

And with that, I’m out. Next time, back to the beer!



* The labels on the medicine bottles say no booze. I’m trying to be a responsible adult here people. I’ll give everyone that knows me a moment to recover from the shock of that statement.

** Do you still drink milk? If no, why not? Do you hate strong bones and healthy teeth? Were you just using the milk to take the sharp edges off the Fruity Pebbles or other assorted cereal? I need to know.

*** For an 80s TV intro, that actually kinda sucked. Allow me to make amends.

**** This excludes married men. Ask your wives about their day fellas, and make at least some effort to pay attention. Ladies – you are welcome.